A combination of our “friends” being too lazy to write something, and James and I being too lazy to ask them to write something means that no one wrote anything. So today’s guest writer is Roman historian Suetonius, by which I mean I typed up some of the best lines from his famous The Twelve Caesars to offer further proof to my longstanding belief, which everyone should know already, that the Romans were the most baller civilization of all time. If you didn’t know that then you are stupid.
“He [Julius Caesar] had often smilingly sworn, while still in their power, that he would soon capture and crucify them; and this is exactly what he did.”
“When asked ‘Would you like to visit the Mausoleum of the Ptolemies?’ he [Augustus] replied: ‘I came to see a King, not a row of corpses.’”
“Aware that the city was architecturally unworthy of her position as capital of the Roman empire, besides being vulnerable to fire and river floods, Augustus so improved her appearance that he could justifiably boast: ‘I found Rome built of bricks; I left her clothed in marble.’”
“On the day that he died, Augustus…summoned a group of friends and asked: ‘have I played my part in the farce of life creditably enough?’”
“They spent a whole day together in confidential talk. I am well aware of the story that, when Tiberius finally took his departure, Agustus’ attendants overheard him saying: ‘Poor Rome, doomed to be masticated by those slow-moving jaws!’”
“Once, during a gaol inspection, a prisoner begged to be put out of his miser; Tiberius replied: ‘No, we are not yet friends again.’”
“When about to [feed his pet snake] as usual he [Tiberius] found it half eaten by a swarm of ants; and a soothsayer warned him: ‘Beware the power of the mob.’”
“On banishing his sisters, he remarked: ‘I have swords as well as islands.’”
I'm going to get back to working on my time machine. I pour gin into a cup, and then I put the cup with the gin in it to my lips, and then I drink the gin from the cup, and then I repeat the drinking of the gin from the cup multiple times. With enough dedication, I forget what era I'm in, and I go back and visit all my friends in Ancient Rome. Nice.
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