Suggestion

Hey Grumpelstiltskins, turn those frowns upside down! You get to relocate!

Dear Andrew Jackson,
Hey! It’s Sophie. How are you? I’m OK, keeping busy with school. My professors have really been up my behind lately, and I wanna be like, hey, lay off!
Anyway, I know you are just doing your job, and I know the Indians can be annoying because they take people captive and they have long hair.
But maybe rethink the title “Trail of Tears.” Because who wants to go on a trail of tears? That’s not going to get anyone excited to leave their homes and civilizations and walk hundreds of miles while crying. What about “happy fun walk?” or “good times on foot?” I’ve found it really is true what they say about winning over people more with honey than with vinegar, and this can apply in your case if you replace “honey” and “vinegar” with “life” and “death.” This can mean asking rather than telling, like with a pleasant “hey you guys, might you consider living somewhere else?” I’m serious, it could work.
Anyway, think about it.

Hugs and kisses
Sophie

PS—I know being President is stressful, so I purposely left out the issue of your eyebrows in this email, but you know what I’m talking about:





PPS—These actually came up on the first and second pages when I google image searched “Trail of Tears”

Manliest Moments in History

Nice guns, lolz!!!!


Sophie
Note: James came up with this ridiculous idea that we work together on a piece, which I hate. I didn't want to do this, but we're on a time crunch, and someone's gotta pay the bills around here. Personally, I think calling anything in history "manly," and then assuming that this is somehow cool, is stupid. But not like anyone listens to me anyway, so here's my list, jerks. I'm going to the movies.

-Hemingway’s entire existence
-JFK’s hookup with Marilyn Monroe
-Caning of Charles Sumner. The guy that beat him up, though probably mentally ill, took Sumner out in front of EVERYONE.
-Goldmining Era
-Sherman’s march. Sherman was a total baller and just drove through the south destroying everything in his path. Ok, it paved the way for years of the south as an economic backwater with tremendous social and racial division. But it all worked out for the best, right?
-Teddy Roosevelt and the Rough Riders.
-FDR crippled yet able to walk.
-Kid Curry, famous outlaw Butch and Sundance’s Hole In The Wall Gang, escaped from jail, and this other time he killed a guy and the guy’s friends and the cops that came to get him.


James
Note: Sophie is a lame.

-When Maximus Decimus Meridius was commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius, but then he got betrayed by the emperor’s son who became the new emperor so then Maximus had to go save his family but then his family was dead so he was father to a murdered son and husband to a murdered wife and he became a gladiator who defied an emperor, and he had his vengance.
-The time the firemen came to my house because my attic smelled like burning. Firemen are sweet.
-Andrew Jackson and the trail of tears. He never cried.
-When Harrison Ford said, “Get off my plane.”