My Thirteen Virtues

Ben Franklin discovered electricity

When I decided to start living according to Ben Franklin's Thirteen Virtues, I had long been nurturing the fear that I will be forgotten as soon as I am dead and rotten. Impending graduation brought this fear to the front of my mind, and I reevaluated my habits. By most measures (I get good grades and my drinking causes little harm to others) I've had a respectful college career. I felt, however, that the antics of my friends and me wouldn't fly in the real world. I needed higher aims. Living according to Franklin's thirteen virtues would make me healthy, wealthy, and wise, would it not? Plus I was taking the LSAT's in week so I would have work hard and stay sober anyway.

The experiment started out auspiciously. For the first few days, I didn't drink, I got ahead on schoolwork. I even cleaned the kitchen before going to bed early. This lasted about a week before my roommates got angry. Attending college, especially with my group of friends, does not make living this life easy, especially the Temperance part. (My roommate once drank twelve beers in twenty-two minutes.) Drunkenness seriously inhibits Silence, Order, Resolution, Frugality, Moderation, Cleanliness, Justice, Chastity, Justice, and Humility. In my experience though, it has a positive effect on Sincerity. Although appreciative of the cleaning, my housemates started calling me James instead of my informal nickname, which I gained by violating at least four of the Virtues. Nobody likes the only Sober, Cheap, and Celibate guy at the party. Living strictly according to the virtues precluded me from some of my favorite pastimes, including drinking, gambling, and venery. I started making ex ante justifications for my transgressions.

While nominally living according to the virtues, necessitated by the condition of studying for the LSATS, I thought of ways to circumvent them once the test was over. #12 Chastity (Rarely use Venery but for health or offspring) seemed to be an easy one to get around, at least in theory. Franklin, well known among the ladies of Paris, worded the rule cleverly. At this point in my life, offspring are not desired, which left health. Health, I thought, can be defined broadly. I've heard that venery is good cardio. I gained comfort in this, as I am sure Ben did too, even though he'd never heard the word cardio, and if he did would never practice it intentionally. Since being unchaste requires the aide of another, justifying venery proved harder than doing it.

#1Temperance was hard to get around semantically, but energy and persistence conquer all things. With friends like mine, however, I needed to find or make a reason to drink, at least in moderation. Genius struck when I realized that in the eighteenth century, people only drank alcoholic beverages. There were no alcoholics then because everybody was drunk all the time. So in my mind, I changed "Drink not to Elevation" to "Drink not to permanent brain/liver damage." Franklin was known on both sides of the Atlantic as a drunk, syphilis-ridden hypocrite anyway.

After the LSAT's I made up for all of my "progress" with a few rough days. I saw the need for balance. Like Franklin I learned "that a benevolent man should allow a few faults in himself, to keep his friends in countenance." #9 Moderation deserves a higher place on the list. I still drink too much, speak unnecessarily (ask anyone in my English class), and certainly do not imitate Jesus nor Socrates. As for Chastity, that's none of your business. The difference is I'm trying, which is enough for now. As Franklin smiled down on me from that great Maison in the sky, I thought to myself, "So convenient a thing it is to be a Reasonable Creature."