Tune in next week when I investigate why the A in "Capital" is mysteriously whited out and continue milking this topic for every possible piece of material.
The other day while on my way to the Paramus, NJ Ikea, I passed a sign on the highway telling me that Northern New Jersey is the Embroidery Capital of the world, and has been since 1872. Some hasty research yielded a more specific central seat of embroidery government—Union City.
I was immediately filled with questions. Why 1872? Who decided that Union City would be the Sofia, Bulgaria of the spool, the N’Djamena, Chad of the needle, the Sarajevo, Bosnia and Herzegovina of Stitch? (I have about seventeen more of these, email monoclesgalore@gmail.com) It was clear that I needed to “thread” together city lore with fact and research, thus creating a complete “tapestry” of truth.
I decided to call up the office of the City of Union City, and while alternating between being on hold and being transferred to different people who knew the whereabouts of some guy named Gerard who was supposed to know all about this, I decided to do a little thinking on my own.
What happened in 1872? Ulysses S Grant became president. Did he have something to do with this? Susan B Anthony voted for the first time in this year. Women spend a lot of time embroidering, and as one, I would know. Might she have somehow been involved? There was also a meteor shower. As everyone knows, meteor showers often signify a transfer of power, such as Caesar’s death or the rise of the Dark Lord. Could they also signify the transfer of embroidery capitals?
And what happened before 1872? As it turns out, a lot, but surprisingly little of it was embroidery related. There was the sew-down between Arachne and Athena, but that was weaving, which is done on a loom and is completely different and thus irrelevant (OR: which everyone knows is completely different and also completely retarded). Other irrelevant things that happened before 1872 include ancient Rome, ancient Greece, the creation of the universe, nearly all of human history, and the birth of Laura Ingalls Wilder, author of the Little House books. Exciting and event filled as all of that was, there is no evidence that suggests that there was a previous embroidery capital or any kind of transfer of power.
Can you really just decide to be the capital of something? My mom makes really good Christmas cookies. Do you know what would happen if I just decided to refer to my apartment as the Capital of Christmas Walnut Balls? Exactly: complete chaos.
And furthermore, what if there is some other place that already considered itself the capital of embroidery? Because last time I checked, a place deciding it is the capital when there is already a capital is called secession and thus a civil war. However, my research does not suggest that there was a previous embroidery capital, so this can’t really be considered an embroidery civil war. Question four is irrelevant.
In the end, I was never transferred to Gerard. I wrote this entire thing while on hold. I was even told by two separate people that Gerard does not exist. But that doesn’t matter. Because I thought of something really good. But then I was put on hold again and I forgot what it was. It was probably pretty funny though. Oh wait, I remember: the Canberra, Australia of Cross Stitch.
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