Friend of the Site Thursday (Friday): Birth/Worth of a Nation

Betsy Ross, moments before going into labor.


This is Drew. Here's something he wrote.






Any scholar knows that the birth of a nation draws many parallels to the birth of a child. Let me extrapolate. The colonies of the New World were a part of the English Empire, just as a fetus is a part of its mother. That would make the settlement of Jamestown the moment of conception. However, England tried to "impregnate" the New World previously, so I guess that would make Roanoke Island some girl who totally freaked out and thought she was pregnant even though she actually wasn't. In truth, her freak out was probably more annoying for her boyfriend than Roanoke Island was for the English. Nonetheless, after the settlement of Jamestown, the colonies grew geographically and economically, like a fetus growing in size and strength. Mind you, this was mild growth. The fetus cannot just punch a hole through the abdominal cavity and march out of the womb throwing Earl Grey into the ocean. The relationship between the colonies and England was always strained and uncomfortable; much like a woman's morning sickness. But at certain point the fetus decides that it's had quite enough of its dark, gooey, powerless situation, so it writes a Declaration of Independence, and induces labor. The baby can't just slide out; the USA can't just be independent. The mother fights through labor, England fought through a war with the colonies. They both lose. But America had some help from the French and Spanish, which are the equivalent of some French-made birthing forceps and a Spanish epidural. And that is how America was born. It was not until many years later that America matured enough to experience the embarrassment of unexpectedly "sailing at full mast" during gym class (the Vietnam War)

Some things that have happened in my Ancient Greek History class (so far!)

1. Our professor listed all the mistakes we made on our essay test
2. I realized I had done like all of them.
3. Our professor tried to use the computer so she could show her slide show, but coudln't turn it on.
4. Our professor left the room for ten minutes.
5. She came back with two helpers
6. A kid in the front row groaned really loudly
7. The guy next to me started angrily sighing louder and louder
8. My professor and one of the helpers spent a lot of time staring at the computer with their hands pensively on their chins
9. The second helper spent this time staring at the wall with a scowl, because she cannot believe she is actually here
10. The guy next to me typed angrilly
11. A third helper just walked in. Results are unclear as to how my professor contacted her through esp.
12. The second helper (the angry one) left the room without saying anything
13. Then the first helper left the room without saying anything
14. Our professor told us what would happen on Monday, while helper three opened a mysterious box inside the podium.
15. the guy next to me left the room.
16. Note: it is now 3:10. We have been here for half an hour.
17. My professor may or may not have offered the remaining helper (still crouched below the podium) some hard candy.
18. OH MY GOD A NEW HELPER JUST WALKED IN. ARE YOU KIDDING?!?!?!?!

At this point, 3:17pm, I just gave up. On a lot of things.

Self Hating Nerds

It's been a rough morning for all of us here. We tried to write, but we just ended up instant messaging from our respective libraries. James goes to Olin Library where the lighting and bodies are soft. I go to Science Library because there is a harsh fluorescent glare and tons of hot athletes.

A tasty sampling:

Smophietown25: there is the hugest nerd brigade here in the library right now
Smophietown25: i'm so bored right now
Jroz618: well wtf are you doing in sci li?
Smophietown25:i didn't know what else to do
Jroz618: Go home and do something if you don't have anything to do
Smophietown25: like it didn't even occur to me that i don't have work
Smophietown25: it's just a reflex to go to sci li
Jroz618: oh soph

Jroz618: In 3rd grade I spelled my name Jamamie on a spelling test and
the teacher showed the whole class.

Smophietown25: Girls in Dublin are so tacky. Don’t they realize that it is a)not SUMMER and b)ugly to wear that, so please take off your white linen shorts, stilettos, and shirt that is really just a bra, and wash off like 10 pounds of that makeup.

Jroz618: i hate this stop mainstreaming wes bullshit because most people who say it are incredibly boring themselves
Smophietown25: i hate everyone
Jroz618: and just pretend to be unique because they are so lame
Jroz618: they are what TS Eliot was talking about
Smophietown25: omg so true
Smophietown25: they are the wasteland
Smophietown25: more like the gay land

This has been fun!

Photo Phun with Phriends of the Site

We (I) realized we never did anything for the Ides of March, which have now both come and passed, so here are photos of Friends of the Site Tim and JP, who have very Roman hair.





Also, we feel that knowing what Friend of the Site Scott looks like is important to understanding his word choice and applying it to your everyday conversations. Go Wes Hockey!

Historical Horses: George Washington Edition

These are some of them.

George Washington bought Magnolia [1] , an Arabian horse, for 500 pounds [2] from his step-son Jon Parke Custis’s estate after the British surrendered at Yorktown.[3] He was thought to be one of the colonies’ most beautiful horses, with a blondie mane [4] and tail.[5] After an unsuccessful racing career, Magnolia was put out to stud. [6] Unknown speaker Jean Le Mayer [7] said: "I am at a loss for words to express my gratitude for the new offer of the services [8] of your horse Magnolia. I think him an elegant horse and would prefer my mares going to him rather than any one I have seen in America." [9]
George Washington had another horse named Nelson who served him at Valley Forge. When Nelson got old, Washington kept him and his other warhorse Blueskin “in a nice stable, where they feed away at their ease for their past services.” [10]

Sources
http://www.ushistory.org/valleyforge/youasked/024.htm
http://www.equisearch.com/horses_riding_training/travel/eqmtvernon2213/



FOOTNOTES
[1] English for “flower”
[2] My foul ex friend Violet stinks like Magnolia flowers, the most smelly of all flowers.
[3] Custis was unhappy about the sale, reminding Washington, “You’re not my real dad.” Washington laughed heartily and reminded him, “Yes, but you're dead.”
[4] Like sophie!
[5] James gets no tail.
[6] His stud pasture was in Los Angeles, chronicled in the biopic “Magnolia” starring William H Macy as George Washington (probably).
[7] No relation
[8] Ayyyyyyy!!!
[9] The mares thoughts that Magnolia was boring and only talked about lacrosse which was ridiculous because he went to a Division Three school so it’s not like he had a future in it anyway.
[10] Washington also invented social security.

Words, Words, Words, or: The Scott/Ben Franklin dictionary

Did I seriously write that?

James is away on a real Spring Break trip, while I'm at home getting caught up on work, sleep, and crying into a pile of Splenda. Since our respective plans for the next two weeks means we won't be posting much, I thought I'd give you a few new phrases to practice using in the downtime. In the tradition of Dr. Johnson's dictionary, here they are, courtesy of friend of the site Scott, except for the first one, which is from urboy Ben Franklin:

1. Halfway to Concord--Adj, from Ben Franklin. Means drunk.
1a. Concord--Adj, from James. Means blackout.

Note: The rest of these will all be from Friend of the Site Scott.

2. Peep--verb, to look at something. ("Who is this guy you've been dating? I peeped him on facebook, and he looks like a total lame." Sidenote: Scott uses Lame as a noun, and you should too).
3. Chuckie--Noun. Means a lame.
4. Right in my wheelhouse--Adj. Means to one's liking ("I peeped her in class, she's right in my wheelhouse.")
5. Chickadee—Proper noun. What you call a girl you think is pretty. Also use this when you can't remember a girl's name.
6. Freako/Piggo--Term of indearment. Use this when you can't remember people’s names. Not gender specific.

I hope we all learned something today. I know I did.

Suggestion

Hey Grumpelstiltskins, turn those frowns upside down! You get to relocate!

Dear Andrew Jackson,
Hey! It’s Sophie. How are you? I’m OK, keeping busy with school. My professors have really been up my behind lately, and I wanna be like, hey, lay off!
Anyway, I know you are just doing your job, and I know the Indians can be annoying because they take people captive and they have long hair.
But maybe rethink the title “Trail of Tears.” Because who wants to go on a trail of tears? That’s not going to get anyone excited to leave their homes and civilizations and walk hundreds of miles while crying. What about “happy fun walk?” or “good times on foot?” I’ve found it really is true what they say about winning over people more with honey than with vinegar, and this can apply in your case if you replace “honey” and “vinegar” with “life” and “death.” This can mean asking rather than telling, like with a pleasant “hey you guys, might you consider living somewhere else?” I’m serious, it could work.
Anyway, think about it.

Hugs and kisses
Sophie

PS—I know being President is stressful, so I purposely left out the issue of your eyebrows in this email, but you know what I’m talking about:





PPS—These actually came up on the first and second pages when I google image searched “Trail of Tears”

Caption Contest

The clothed guys are supposed to be Virgil and Dante. But use your imagination!

My Good Ideas

My Good Ideas

1. A strip club run by me (my nickname at school is PC), that would somehow incorporate literature (bras with pictures of famous writers embroidered on them?), called the PC Woodhouse.
2. A book on the importance of grammar and punctuation called “Call me, Ishmael!”
3. A wild west themed restaurant called Butch Casserole (it would serve casserole and food like casserole).


My Bad Ideas

1. Going to a strip club
2. Calling this guy I know named Ishmael
3. Eating casserole